I’m pregnant!

I actually can’t believe I just wrote that!

I got my positive pregnancy test today and my head is spinning. I haven’t even told S yet.

20151111_153257I had convinced myself I wouldn’t be pregnant this month (funnily enough, I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant the month we conceived T). I wasn’t too bothered, it was only our first month of trying and, like I said before, I wanted to enjoy the process of trying, the excited anticipation.

But I couldn’t ignore the ‘feeling’ that I was. I can’t explain it, and maybe I would have felt the same if I wasn’t pregnant this month and then just have to put it down to Helen craziness. But I felt like I knew I was.

Then yesterday I had diarrhoea. I have IBS so this isn’t unusual for me, but during my first trimester last time around the diarrhoea was the worst it had ever been.

Finally, today, at 12 days past ovulation, I started getting period cramps. At first I thought that this confirmed I wasn’t pregnant, but then I remembered that I got period-like cramps for the first week or so after finding out (very early!) that I was pregnant with T.

All of these things combined made me decide to pee on a stick, even though I told myself I wouldn’t test early this time around. I didn’t have any early pregnancy tests at home so I used an ovulation stick left over from when we were trying to conceive T. It’s a weird phenomenon that ovulation sticks detect both LH (which surges right before ovulation) and HCG (the pregnancy hormone) because both hormones are very similar shapes. (It doesn’t work in reverse- you won’t get a positive pregnancy test from an LH surge).

It was positive. I knew I had ovulated nearly two weeks ago so it couldn’t be that. My hands started to tremble and my heart was thumping. Surely not?!

I abandoned my plan for doing our weekly shop and went into town with T to buy a pregnancy test. I splashed out on a fancy digital one.

As soon as I got home I wee’d in a plastic wine glass (the only disposable cup I could find!) and dipped the test in the warm liquid that looked a lot like white wine while telling myself and T that whatever happened, we mustn’t drink it.

I distracted myself by getting T’s lunch ready. I kept glancing at the test, fully expecting to see the words ‘not pregnant’.

Then, all of a sudden, there it was. ‘Pregnant 1-2 weeks.’

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. So I did both.

I stood for 10 minutes completely in shock. Thoughts rushed through my head. I couldn’t believe it had happened so quickly. How would we cope with another baby and a toddler? Where would we put them? What is S going to say? Are we really ready for this?

I asked T if he would like us to have a baby (he said yes, fortunately!).

It’s only been 2 hours since I did the test, but I wanted to record how I’m feeling.

I’m feeling pretty shocked more than anything at the moment. I can imagine the headlines, ‘woman pregnant after unprotected sex shocker’. I obviously knew this would happen at some point, I just really didn’t expect it yet.

I’ve already been googling miscarriage statistics, like I did during my last pregnancy. I’m going to try not to get excited for a couple of weeks at least in case this turns out to be a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage. The next couple of days in particular are going to be tough because my period is due between tomorrow and Saturday. If it doesn’t arrive by Sunday then at least I’ll be officially ‘late’.

I’m worried about feeling tired and ill and having to cope with looking after a toddler. I’m worried about looking after a newborn and a toddler. Basically, I know things are going to be a lot tougher this time round.

I’m worried about how labour will be and whether I’ll get a VBAC. (Sh*t, I have to go through labour again!).

I’ll be telling S this evening. I’m worried about how he’s going to react. It was me that suggested trying for another baby. His response was, ‘if you like.’ Will he be happy it’s happened so quickly? Or is he just going to start stressing about us not having enough money/big enough house? (I know what my prediction is…)

Argh! Anyway, sorry for the rambling post, but I’m just trying to get my head round it all at the moment!

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