Thoughts on my failed VBAC attempt

I almost cried when I saw some pregnant women at a toddler group this morning. Just a short time ago that was me. So hopeful and positive that I would get my VBAC. How I’d love to be back there and experience that hope again. Maybe there would be something I could do differently. Maybe not, but at least I would still have that tantalising possibly that I could have a vaginal birth. Now I know for certain that it will never happen.

I haven’t written my birth story yet. I think it’s something that I need to do to help me move on, but I just don’t feel ready quite yet. I’m going back to birth afterthoughts as that helped me so much after Little T’s birth.

I realised today that I can’t have any more children. For a while I was thinking that maybe in the future we might have another child (Mr Wonderfully Average says absolutely not!). I would so love to have tried for another VBAC. But now I know how hard it is with two children, I know that I probably couldn’t cope with a third (seeing as how I can’t cope with two at the moment).

But not only that. Say I didn’t get a VBAC next time either, I think another failed VBAC would well and truly break me. One failed VBAC is hard, and knowing that I’ll never have the opportunity to try again hurts so much, but how much worse would it be to experience that hope again, just to have it destroyed for a second time.

So that’s why I had to turn away and pretend to look at my phone earlier. I don’t know those women. I don’t know their stories. But I do know that I would give anything to have that hope back again.

4 thoughts on “Thoughts on my failed VBAC attempt

  1. Rosie Love

    Aww lovely 🙁 sending you love and hugs xxx
    Birth is so unpredicatable, make sure you talk to someone about your birth when you can xx

    Reply
    • Helen Post author

      Thanks Rosie. It’s funny, immediately after A was born I felt fine, I thought I’d tried my best and it hadn’t worked out. Now I feel absolutely gutted. One c-section could have just been bad luck, the second makes me feel well and truly broken. I’ll be going to the hospital at some point to talk it all through with a midwife- that really helped me after T’s birth. Thanks for the love and hugs xxx

      Reply

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